I have been away for a while. Have been through a lot and missing jotting my thought down for you to read and give comments on. :)

In March, my mom passed suddenly in her sleep. She was my everything and it came to a shock to me. Now, I still take it hard that I have no family. No mother. No father. Just my own little clan here, that I call my own.

I have disowned that part of my family. Well, I have disowned all of my family due to how the funeral went. I was casted out. I was the one that wasn't included. The one that wasn't important. And that wasn't how it should have been.

I was the one there for my mom. No one else was there. No one was there when she was sick. When she almost died several times at the hospital. I stood by her alone. When I cried to her own children about helping me. There was nothing they could do. But, now after shes gone they want to make it a big deal. Of how important she is. That she was THEIR mom too. I laugh at that now. How could they say that when all this time they HATED her. They disowned her. They didn't allow her to become a grandma a mother. BUT I DID!!!!!!!!!!

I am so hurt by it all. Sometimes I am okay... But somedays I just C R U M B L E.

I miss her. I miss her voice. Her laugh.  I miss her telling me " Its SO good to hear you voice Mia" "I love you. I miss you." " I miss the kids so much, my babies"

Oh My God.

How am I gonna hang in there. I miss her too much and it's breaking my heart.

To      many        small    P I E C I E S  -  - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - -- - -

Its been a while since I posted..

I have been through a lot these last few months. Trying to figure out many things in my life. My thoughts on every aspect of my life have seriously changed. And I feel that maybe I was a bit too harsh in my decisions. But then many people have commented  that I had no other way but to be the way I was. I am a mother. I chose to protect them. It does make me feel a bit better but I will never have that closure that I crave most.

My biological mother commited suicide. She did this act by taking more than 100 pills. She was very ill. With having bi-polar, paranoid schizophrenia, siezures,hipatitis A and C and having a bout with depression.

She was my birth mother. She was never there for me. I was raised by my grandmother. Her mother. Even though, through out my whole life, I knew who she was and what she was. But she never decided to love me. I was always the enemy. She has hurt me beyond comprehension ans here I am feeling sorry for her. Wishing I did forgive her. Wishing that things could have been different. But the reality of it all is that THAT will never come to be. And I will have to live with the fact that I did not talk with her for 3 years and I did not see her for 5. She drew everyone away by hurting them and being revengful. She was very hateful and all the family did not want anything to do with her.  Everyone didn't trust her and didn't know what she would do next. 

She had a boyfriend and they did something stupid and he went into jail. She was left alone. She felt gulity, alone and afraid. So, to end it all she did the most horrible deed anyone could make. Take her own life.

Since no one kept up with her she laid in her trailor for two weeks. Her boyfriend became worried and wrote a lettter to the landlord to check up on her. The landlord knocked a few times on the door and nothing. Then he smelled a peculiar odor. And he knew. The cops showed up and they called my mother (my grandmother). And she called me. It was the day after my birthday.

I handled her burial.

I have a younger sister whom she raised and loved very much. She chose my sister over me many times over and it hurts. I wish she loved me that way. My sister didn't come to her funeral. Even though she was cremated. No one could see her in that condition. Not even I. It's sad. Everyone was surprised that I handled it when it shouldn't have been me but my sister. Her ashes are here on a table by the christmas tree. I felt that this was probably what she wanted because in the end she did want to see me. She did want to see my kids. She wanted to be a grandma. But I felt she didn't deserve it. I felt that she needed to earn it. She should've been there for me when she had the chance. She should've decided to be a grandma when my oldest was born. But she didn't want to feel old. She didn't want that role at that time. She was never there. Why did she change her mind in the end? Because her friends weren't there. Her daughter that she loved wasn't there either. But I was. But I couldn't. But now...

I forgive u. I forgive all the lies and all the hurt. I forgive you for almost leaving me for dead when I was 2. I forgive you for telling me that I can never give you grandchildren but my sister would and now she's a lesbian. I forgive you for making me feel the way I did. I forgive you for not loving me. I forgive you.

It has been a little while and well.. I didn't have much to say. Now, I have plenty.

Our lease is up in January and we have decided to get into a house. I would rather buy a house but it seems that our credit is shot to hell when our vehicle got stolen on Jan. 5th. 
I shall remember that day for a very long time.
Our insurance relasped that very same day even though I DID call them to check when they were going to draft it out of our account. Their precise words were don't worry it should take a couple of days. Money wasnt an issue we had got out income taxes. We were going to deposit what we had the following day. We had no chance to. Our 2005 Dodge Ram was gone and so was the insurance whom we made on time payments for two years. Just one freakin day. ONE DAY!!! And our credit is screwed. Our next step was to buy a house.
                                              I want a house.
We have a real estate agent who is so-so. He says he knows a loan officer who can clear our credit enough to get into a house. But, I don't know. At this point, I am not very optomistic. I spoke to neighbor and she is getting a really nice 4 bedroom for no money down. But, her credit is great. She didn't have to verify income. She said she worked with banks before and there is no way that we cannot get a loan. Our interest might be high but in a few years we can refinance. She gave me her real estate agent and said she can work wonders and that she is wonderful.
yeah.. what a laugh. She was worse than the agent we have now. Our credit score is really low because of what happened. i don't know what else to do. Do we file for bankruptcy. What do we do? i don't know. All she told me was to call her and check about renting a house the last two weeks of December. How am I suppose to do that when I have to give a 60 day notice. I hate those damn 60 day notices. It really sucks. I just don't know what to do. I am very discouraged. :(

On a different note,
I redid my blog. I took the pics of my son outside and added color. It's pretty huh? I love it. It's more personal. More me.

I went by and took that mothering styles quiz. I am quite shocked that it's actually right. if you would like to try its here!

                    Your type is: intj  —The “Individual Integrity” Mother

• Individualistic and independent, the INTJ mother is both a role model and teacher of how to be an individual and live life with integrity. She is introspective, defining her own success from within, and generally confident in her decisions. She is unlikely to be persuaded by her children saying, “But all the other mothers are doing it.”
• The INTJ is competent in providing for her children’s basic needs, but she is likely more focused on developing their self-esteem and confidence. Observant and insightful, she puts great importance on independent thinking and self-sufficiency, yet she is comfortable providing protection and boundaries.
• Self-motivated and intense, the INTJ works hard and takes life seriously. As a mother, she lives for those moments when she can impart knowledge and offer her children perspectives on life and important issues.
  

Mya got her shots on Wednesday. It was actually very quick! She also gained weight. She's now 11lbs 12oz. She's our little crybaby. Out of all four children. She is the most needy. I have to hold her all the time or else we all hear it. She cries when we put her down for anything. The carseat doesnt help, neither does propping her up on pillows. We don't have a swing yet. The doctor said that that's recommended. But she's wonderful nonetheless. I still don't know if her eyes are going  to change to brown. They still look as if they have that tinge of green. And I am hopeful. For this is my last baby...

I went and got an IUD. Never will I go through that again. It freak'in hurt. I held my breath till it was over. And afterwards the random spotting began. The dreadful pads came back into my life after thinking it was going to be awhile before I saw them again. But it's not light spotting. I think they say that to make it sound nice and pleasant. But, I've been heavily spotted...

Other than that it's been nice around here. Ashton, my two year old has finally stopped chewing. But, he finds his nipples now and then. My two older children are doing okay. Okay as in being an 8 year old little boy who gets into mischief and a 6 yeard old little girl who is kinda head strong. But both are doing great at school!

Here is a pic of me and my baby girl Mya. Taken on her BIG shot day.Sept 13, 2006

It's been a calm week. For once... I  didn't think I was going to go out of my mind. My two older children are off to school and having to deal with my younger ones are getting easier. Mya is adjusting and still she has a phobia with her carseat. Which still serves a problem. But even that is getting easier.. when the van is moving.

Ashton, my two year old is either venting or has started a new addiction or fascination. Since he was about 18 months or younger he started pinching his nipples. Everyday and every place I would see him slip his hand in his shirt thru the neck and just pull and rub his nipples. It was weird and was kinda hard telling him to stop while shopping for groceries. He also had to do this while falling asleep. It was a routine, a ritual, an everyday thing. But, now it seems he has slowed down on the nipple pinching and started chewing on stuff. Either his shirt or his brothers, a blanket or a towel. I'm concerned with this chewing. I don't know if he's venting or just doing something new. We have been real hard on him. For the past two weeks he wakes up in the middle of the night screaming bloody murder and let me tell you I know the whole neighborhood hears it! Its deafening. And with Mya in the room with us as well. It serves as a wake me up for her to cry her head off. And with that we are fatigued and down and out that we lose it. I am now decided that he is going  to be sleeping with his big brother in his room. His big bro doesn't have a problem with that. Plus he has more room on his queen sized bed than I do on mine. Since me, daddy, Mya and Ashton barely fit. Mommy and daddy are needing a break and need more (if any) time alone together without worrying waking up the kids. If you know what I mean.

Either way we did get intimate after about 5 months. YES!! Its been that long. It was weird. I was like I forgot what to do... lol..

On a different note---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I love to deal with pictures. I can do amazing things and clear up imperfections. I can do collages and make them look heavenly. But I didnt know that I had a knack for making invitations. My sister-in-law IMed me and said she was doing a Sweet Sixteen. She makes beautiful cakes and invitations. Well.. she had a deadline and I asked if I could help with the invitations. She said yes and sent me the pics. I finished in about a day and a half. And you know, I am quite proud of myself. Take a look!!

What do you think?

I am really tired. I feel as if everyone of my family members are sucking me dry and leaving me for dead.
I am doing too much and not getting any help from anyone. These last few days have been so terrible.
School started on the 10th and at the last minute I had to go school supply shopping and clothes shopping and that was on the day before, the 9th.
YES!! I am at fault. With my delicate situation of having a high risk pregnancy and getting things for the baby and I. I totally had to push back my two older children. We are not rich and are on tight budget and with me not working and my husband the only bread winner. It is hard. We don't depend on the government for help and all the bills, medical, food and everythig else comes from his paycheck and with 4 children.. let me tell you it's not easy. It is me that handles the money and to budget it for everything. And with worrying and handling my children, I feel as if I am going to lose my mind.
On the 9th we had to go get the kids eyes checked and go to the mall so that they could get their glasses in an hour. Then it was really late. I had the baby in a front carrier since her being in a carseat is like torture for her. She screams bloody murder every time shes in it. And that in itself is hard for me. My lower back hurts for putting her in there and shes not light anymore. I am exhausted. And with breastfeeding I feel so tied down. She doesn't take a pacifier and with wanting me all the time I feel as if I shouldn't be breastfeeding anymore. I was in the same situation with my two year old. But she takes the cake. She's a handfull.. wait .. two handfulls!!
Anyway , the store was about to close and it was already 10pm and I got two outfits for each. That was it. They still needed food for lunch and supplies. So off to another store I went around 2am. I got back home at about 430am and I had to stay awake cause I had to get my kids ready for school. It was 930am when I got home. I was so tired!!!! I slept and when my children got home my niece came and took me to get my daughters glasses since they had to be special ordered. We went to the store to return some of the clothes that didnt fit and it was almost 10pm again. I still had to buy groceries. So off I went. Well.. the baby and I. It was 1am when I got home. And I didn't go to sleep till about 4am. I woke up late at 7am. And in a hurry I got my kids ready for school. We walked to the bus stop and the bus was late. Here I am carrying the baby in the heat for 30 minutes. It was so humid.... Finally the bus got there and I got home and gave my baby a bath and I also took a quick shower. I had to be fast or else Mya would cry and cry till she gets picked up by me. She doesn't want anyone else but me. And that is so hard. ON ME.
Yesterday I started to get cramps and with that I had to go to the restroom. These cramps hurt so bad and I felt my mouth filling up wih saliva and my throat was closing. I thought I was going to pass out. This happened several times. I told my husband and we came to the conclusion that it HAD to be stress. I see my doctor next week on Thursday and I am going to mention how I felt. I was suppose to see her this Thursday on the 10th but I had too much going on and all I wanted to do was go home and rest. All I wanted to do is lie down. Yesterday after taking a shower I went to sleep. My husband came home from work and made supper for everyone and cleaned the kitchen. I stayed in bed with the baby and went to sleep about 630pm. I awoke when he had to go back to work at 4am. I felt better. I needed the rest. But it is now Saturday and I know the feeling better part is going to dissappear with yelling and screaming and being annoyed by fighting.

After putting my 1 month old daughter to sleep I felt relieved that I could finally take that long awaited shower. Where I can have alone time and stand underneath the water and relax... kinda. As I was enjoying not being bothered my 6 year old daughter opens the shower curtain and asks politely what was on her 2 year old brothers face. I didn't know. She goes and gets him so that i can take a look. She opens up the shower curtain again and brings him closer. Since I didn't have my glasses on I had to bend down and look really close. All the left side of his face was white. His hair was spiked with it and it was white too. His fingers were covered in the white goo and I thought very quickly what it could be. I had the answer. It was Myas' diaper rash medicine. He thought it was baby lotion. He is facinated with lotion. Any type of lotion. I would gladly give him some and he rubs it everywhere and sometimes he has to give it a taste. I had to give him a shower. And I had to wash his hair about a million times and still its hard. I couldn't believe it. Kids!
I soon realized that my alone time can never be. That's the chosen path of being a mother.

Yesterday, Mya and I jad a big day. We were off on our own to her Doctors appointment. It was her 1 month check up. I can't believe it's been that long already. She has grown an inch and an inch from her head and she gained two pounds. Yes, she is nine pounds and one ounce. She is doing fine. I am very happy about that. We didn't have any mishaps besides the fact that it was hot as hell outside and I was wearing a skirt. And it didnt feel too good when my legs would stick. It just reminds me how much wieght I have to lose. i had no choice in wearing what I did for the fact that nothing else fits me. I have to give my body time to heal. But still... it's discouraging. Afterwards we were off to the store. I had to put her in that font body carrier cause she hatesthe carseat. She cries hysterically every time I put her in there. It is terrible. I think she doesn't cry as much in the car because its moving and it soothes her. Still.. it's horrible. But there was a mishap at the store. I was there about an hour and a half and she slept the whole time in there. No worries.

My sister came by yesterday. I haven't seen her since the last of May. If you don't know the situation go back to past entries. You'll know why I wasn't so enthused to see her. I held her car and some of her belongings while she was away for two months and a half. Not a Thank you came from her mouth. When she called all she wanted was her stuff. I told her when I was home from the doctors appointment and doing other things she could come by. She came and was here for about 10 minutes. Maybe less. I hugged her and it was fake. All I kept thinking was hurry and go. She apologized how things were when she was here and how much stress she put on me while pregnant. I was like yeah... okay. Then she sifted through her stuff and wantd to know about some pills that were in a box. Now.. when she left she didnt pack her stuff right. She left a mess. When i was in a delicate situation in my pregnancy. She didnt have the decency to clean it all up. So, I had to. And again no Thank You. She was frantic. Like I did something to them. Looking and sifting and making a face. Then she found it. And no Sorry, I was mistaken. She goes on to tell me that she's leaving to California again in January. Like I was suppose to say something like tell her Stay, Pretty Please. Yeah.. right. I'll never say those words. Then she asked for the keys. I showed her where they were and told her that my husband was trying to move her car a couple of weeks ago and he had to jumpstart it. It was dead. she replies its because it has no gas. i was like okay whatever. She always thinks she right!! I rolled my eyes and she left. And she has the nerve to tell me she loves and maybe a couple of weeks from now we can go out for lunch. Yeah, whatever. Then she leaves and I lock the door behind her. Then I walk to the kitchen to look out the side door, peering through the blinds, and I see her open the car door. She's pressing the button to unlock the doors.  And nothing is happening. Then she has to jumpstart her car. I felt enraged. I wanted to bad to go out there and say SEE!!! WHAT DID I TELL YOU!!!?? BUT NO YOU ARE ALWAYS RIGHT!!! But, I didn't. I smiled an evil grin!! That's what she gets!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm looking to go back to school. Do some online courses. I'm just unsure on what to do. We'll see.

I love this picture!!